Sam
Ella and I have not spoken since the arrival of my trousseau a few days ago. I have had several conversations with myself, searching for words that Ella would want to hear. There has never been an awkward silence between us, never anything that we have not been able to talk through, until now.
When Ella left to visit her father in April, I didn’t tell her of Shehzad’s family visiting us that weekend. And I didn’t tell her when they called Ammi following that visit to formally propose. I had not even called her to tell her that I had accepted, and our engagement announced to our families. Instead I waited. On the morning that she returned from Phoenix, Ella stormed into our living room demanding an explanation for my silence. But I had none to offer.
“I wanted to tell you in person,” I lied.
“Whatever Sam, you should have called me, emailed me, heck you should have sent me a post card,” Ella said emphatically, “How could you not tell me!”
“I told her to call you,” my mother chimed in, “But she wouldn’t listen beta, she kept insisting on telling you when you came home.” Ammi was surprised by my lack of excitement through this decision, but mostly she was just relieved that I had finally agreed. Upon seeing Ammi’s beaming smile, which she had worn on her face for over a week now, Ella’s anger subsided.
“Did you show her the ring?” Ammi said, sounding like a child with a shiny new toy.
“There’s a ring!” yelled Ella, “Sam, why aren’t you wearing it? Where is it? What else are you hiding? Aunty, what else is she hiding?” With that outburst of questions, both Ammi and I began to laugh. Ella had never changed, her energy had always remained two steps ahead of me.
“See Samar, even Ella thinks you should be wearing your ring all the time. Go and put it on before everyone comes over tonight.”
After rolling my eyes at both Ammi and Ella, I walked up to my room. There it was, in the navy blue box that I had received it in, sitting on my dresser, my engagement ring. An emerald cut 1.5 carat diamond shined back at me. Everything I had ever imagined my ring to be lay within these satin walls.
“Oh my god, it’s beautiful,” Ella’s words pierced the air of discontent that hung around me like a foggy morning. With a smile I took out my ring and handed it to Ella for further admiration. “It’s exactly what you wanted Sam, how did he know…” her words trailed into silence as she looked at me. “You’re not happy. Tell me why you’re not happy.”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” I said as I took the ring from her and slipped it onto my finger. “Because you always answer my questions with a question when you’re lying.”
“Should I wear a brown or beige scarf with this?” I asked, blatantly trying to change the topic. “Beige and we are not done talking about this” said Ella, “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong, I’m fine. Really.” I smiled. Anyone would have bought that smile except Ella. The truth was the past had still followed me to this moment.
“You need to let him go Sam,” Ella said reading the thoughts that only she could see written across my face. My father’s failures had haunted my childhood. As much as I wanted to hate him, I realized that I shared his weaknesses. I had not inherited Ammi’s strength.
Later that night, it was decided that Shehzad and I would be married in two months. And two months later, here I was, two days away from my wedding and still filled with uncertainty.
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